Brown Dog
Taos, NM, 2009

She arrives at night for the first time
Ribs pushing out
her thin patchy fur
with clumps of earth embedded into it
I don’t see her
I don’t allow her into me

At the ranch visit the masculine and the feminine
She in her wild outfits and lavish personal sharing
He in his caged living
Yet they both immediately love this brown dog
That I simply want to vanish out of my life

She fears dogs yet opens the door quickly
And throws it bread
Throws it bits of her food
Feels its pain and aloneness and hunger
 
He loves dogs yet doesn’t feed it
He asks me if she fed it
He asks me about the dog
As if I should care
 
And should I?

Should I open my heart
to each creature which stumbles
onto my path?

How can I?
Am I ready for all that?

For a few nights,
My heart remains closed
Yet each time I see brown dog
I see her a bit more
I allow myself to see the ribs pressing on fur
I allow myself to see the love that ripples through her
Fuck, this dog has so much love in her
And she gets so little
Here, starving slowly, in the desert

Yet I imagine all the imaginary future dogs
that may arrive
And I remain closed to her
To this one loving being
Simply because others
may arrive and be in need
What the fuck?

Why am I so closed to this beautiful loving being?
Because I am afraid.
That is why
I am afraid to love her.

So I help behind the scenes
As the masculine seems to do
As my father seems to be doing
“You could take her to the vet,” I suggest
To check her runny eyes
To check over the sores
She returns from the vet with a heart-covered pink collar
That disappears after one night

One morning, my father and I walk the property
And brown dog joins us
Enjoying the encouragement we give her to follow
She trots along side as I’ve always dreamed of a dog doing
Stopping when we stop
Lying down near me when I sit on a rock
Rolling over to expose her naked belly
I rub her gently
Working out the bits of encrusted earth

For many mornings
I wake to her wiggly body on her blanket under the stone table
She feels like she has a place here
She embodies it
Do each one of us need our place?
I have endless resources
I have endless love
Why am I so closed to helping others?
Why am I so afraid of loving?

Brown dog stays around
Her body fills out quickly
She almost looks healthy
She wiggles with love
Her brown eyes rove, waiting for me to come out

Some mornings
I wake to her looking in on me
through my bedroom window
Who is she?

Wolf Dog
Taos, NM, 2009

Wolf dog runs alongside my car as I drive on gravel
Wolf dog emerges out of the sage brush
Wolf dog follows me around her ‘hood
She seems to read my mind

Brown dog waits for me outside my door
Brown dog emerges out of the sage brush
Brown dog follows me as I water flowers and feed fish
She seems to get me

What would it be like to be one of these wild dogs?
Running at full speed through the sage brush
Under a full moon
Alive
Wild.

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