Dog-God Teachers
Michigan 1980's and Virginia 2001-present

Like most kids,
I dreamt of having my very own dog
I had seen the movies
Read the books
A faithful furry companion
At the side of a child
Seemed like exactly what I needed

What I didn’t realize
Is that dogs are teachers
That they come into our lives
At exactly the right moment
To help shape us
Into the radiant beings that we are

We brought home our first puppy
On a sunny and warm Michigan summer day
I walked her around our neighborhood
On her cute little leash
And I glowed with pride

Ignoring the pain of her pulling
Instead feeling
That I finally had the love I had been
Awaiting
I would finally have
The perfect dog

On the first night
I wanted to sleep with her
Not wanting her young brown furry body
To have to face the night alone
My parents would not allow her in my room
So I slept in her room
On a bed laid next to her bed

I fell asleep briefly
But was woken by her
Ridiculously
Loud
Snoring

This sweet young puppy
Snored like a dying old man
Snored like an ancient pipe full of snot
Snored like she was trying to wake up the universes
 
I couldn’t do it
I gave up on her
I left her alone
In her new room
To snore alone

That night, I walked into my parents’ room
Waking them
To tell them
That I couldn’t stay at her side
Because she snored too loud
She wasn’t perfect
 
And in that decision
Lay the foundation of our relationship
I had no idea what to do with a dog
I had no idea how to interact with a dog
I had no idea how to begin
So I fell into frustration

She was a wild-souled creature
She attacked ferociously our Achilles
That was her favorite spot to bite into blood
She loved mine in particular and waited

For me to come unprepared
For the pounce
Our entire family
For months
Wore high boots around the house
To protect our Achilles

If the door was ever left open for a moment
She charged
With all of her wild boxer energy
And ran
She would run like a madwoman
Through the neighborhood
Running circles
As we chased with fear in our hearts

She read my energy beautifully
She was my teacher
Although I was not ready to learn
I wanted a dog to obey me and lie by my feet
Looking up at me with love
I didn’t want a dog to read me
But that she did

When I watched a movie or a TV show
At the most exciting moment
She would get up from wherever she was in the house
Stand in front of me
And bark and bark and bark and bark

What I craved most in those days
Although I would have never admitted it then
Was my father’s love
My father’s attention
So she showed just how to get it
By becoming his dog

She would crawl onto his lap after every dinner
And look at me
With a look that said it all in her eyes

I was in back-country Alaska when she died
Many years had passed
She had mellowed with age, but her wild soul remained
I had left home for college
And didn’t really think of her
Ever

But the day she died
I got out of my tent in the middle of the wilderness
I stretched up my body towards the sky
Looked out at endless wild land
And said aloud to my tent-mates:
“My dog died today.”

I recall that immediately after I said that
My rational mind freaked
My tent mates had not heard me
And I didn’t repeat the line
It had come out of a space
That I yet was not ready to walk in
I had been in back-country for almost a month
I had not thought of her for many months
And yet I knew
That my teacher, my love, my wild furry beast
Had left her physical form
And joined me in that moment
In the wilds of Alaska.

Ready for my Teacher
One morning
Not too long after 9-11 had changed everything
I woke up
Knowing that I was ready
For my dog

This time
I was ready
This time
I would not leave her snoring alone in the night
This time
She just may be perfect

Ha!

My beautiful black furry creature
Arrived with a wild, wild soul
A perceptive all-knowing
And endless lessons for me

In our years together
She taught me to open my heart
In ways I never envisioned
She taught me the depth of my own loving of another
In ways I never envisioned

She taught me forgiveness
In ways I’m still proud of myself that I was capable

When she shredded my entire bathroom,
I loved her more
I asked myself what I could do
To ease her pain, her fears, her anxieties
About being in the world
In the form of a dog

When she ate yet another of my shoes
I asked myself how I could be better
About putting items away
I’d head to the pet store
Because perhaps she needed
Yet another chew toy

I have a photo of her lying on the carpet
Surrounded by every high-end chew toy
Surrounded by endless toys that she shredded

I made countless mistakes
Because although I now read every dog book
Because although I spoke with endless trainers
Each had a different answer
And none of them addressed
What to do with a mystical soul-mate in the form of a dog

She taught me to think of another
In a way
I had never thought
I’d want to think of another

For the first year of our life together
She couldn’t be left alone
Ever
Like a baby, she needed companionship
So I took her everywhere with me
I took a 55-pound, aggressive, wild dog everywhere with me
And most of the time
She was delightful to those around us
Yet I always knew
To be on edge
As she was a mystical wild being
In my life
To teach

What she loves most is water
She can swim out to bring back sticks
All day
All night
Forever

And I taught this wild, water-loving being
To sit calmly between my legs
In a tippy kayak
As we paddled out to islands together

Anything is possible
Is one of the lessons
She taught me

After all the love
The hardest lesson
She taught me
Was letting go of attachment

She knew I would leave her
From the day she arrived in my life
I could see it in her eyes
I used to reassure her that I’d never leave her
But I did

It was part of our soul contract

Now she and I break space and time
Now she and I break human and dog
Now she and I speak to one another
As our souls connect in the spaces
That we felt all along
But I had no idea how to access

After leaving her for a year
I returned
She greeted me like I had just seen her
Yesterday
Laughing, I curled my body around hers

The first few nights
We slept intertwined like lovers
Our higher selves catching up in conversations
Of which I had just a bare understanding
Yet was granted, a deep knowing

She knew I would leave again
The last two nights of my visit
She would not sleep with me
She would lie in her bed across the room
And look at me

I saw the pain in her eyes
But she needed to take back her own power
Pulling back
Before I left her again

Our souls are together always
I can reach out to her
And she to me
We continue to love and teach
One another
She’s in a safe and loving home
As I’m on my journey
And again
That too was part of our soul contract.

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