Lodge
Taos, NM, 2009


 
We stand around the fire
Some chat
Before the sweat lodge
I walk away to pee and connect to the earth
Urine splashes up in tiny droplets
I’ve always loved that moment
When fluid out of my body isn’t controlled by me at a certain point
I need to let go of any control of anything
At all points

Men stand facing away as the
women change beneath the open wooden beams
I strip into naked flesh
then cover it with the green tree dress

We enter the lodge clock-wise

Crawling over the soft blankets
I sit
Wait for the glowing grandfather rocks to be brought in on antlers

“The rocks give up their life essence for you.”
They can only be used so many times
How many beings give up their life essence
for others?
Is that what we do when we feel responsible for what we shouldn’t?
Am I giving up drops of my life essence?
We need those drops
I am not ready to be a grandfather rock
I want to be vibrantly alive instead

I feel a dark presence moving in the
pitch dark lodge
But I ignore it
Then I hear her
“I have to get out, I have to get out.”
As she crawls towards the exit and falls sobbing out of the lodge

I hear her sob outside

And ignore any feeling of responsibility for her
We all make our own choices
We all create our own realities
We all fall apart when we’re ready
Then come back into a stronger whole

She lies collapsed under a moist towel
Sobbing at the entrance to the sweat
This wild creature
who has played with edges all her life
“I think what would make you finally happy
is to have a baby.”
She had said to me in my log-rimmed room
What if I can’t imagine that kind of love?


After my first lodge

When I asked for spirit to help me let go
I came out of lodge and made my way
to the end of the line
Gently hugging the wet forms
of women before me
 
As I stood in my spot
I was no longer able to stand
I fell into gentle darkness
Passed out for the first time
Everything was fine

I was loved
I was safe
I felt whole
I tasted oneness
For those few moments
Until I came back into this space

To people passing me water

I ask for a deeper letting go

And I pass out into the arms of a woman
Who gently brings me back to the earth

That is what always happens when we fall
We simply connect more deeply to the earth

I crave that deeper connection
I’ve learned over and over
That the words of others
Even when they are exactly what I long them to be
Never do anything for me really
Never

Wet with sweat
My body still radiating heat
I carry the large buffalo skull
Under the full moon
Across the sage brush
Heading to a warm kitchen
For yet another potluck meal.
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